Burnout, productivity obsession and the beginning of my freelance journey
Hello, I’m Emily. In June last year I was made redundant. This is not a pity party, that’s just quite a good place to start our story.
When I was made redundant I found myself in the very privileged position of not having to rush into a new full-time role immediately. With the benefit of having that mental space, I was able to take a step back and think about the impact a 40+ hour work week had had on me and whether that’s what I wanted to do moving forward or whether doing something else might be a better fit for me. My upbringing led me to believe for a long time that we are put on this earth to go to school, get good grades, go to uni, then get a full time job until we retire; like that’s the undeniable meaning of life. I followed suit. I still can’t believe how long it took me to challenge that belief, and I’m sure I’m not alone in this.
In the immediate aftermath of learning my fate (‘the company plans to make your role redundant’), I experienced what can only be described as a miraculous recovery from a burnout I didn’t realise I was in the throes of.
Within a week people were actively complimenting the health of my skin (this has never happened before). I looked in the mirror and saw what, until then, I thought was just one of those go-to, slightly disingenuous compliments you give to someone you think needs a pick-me-up: I was glowing! Of an evening, I would catch myself dancing and singing in the kitchen as I made dinner (generally a task my husband would have taken on, minus the theatrics). At the gym (a CrossFit gym - oh shit, I’ve mentioned it already and we’re only a few hundred words in) my performance was increasing faster than it had ever done before (in defence of having brought up CrossFit so early on, I have never been able to afford to go regularly enough, so seeing progress of any kind is something to be smug about and a fairly tangible example of change). And, most remarkable of all, my period returned almost immediately having been absent for six months. If you are a person who does not have, or know much about, periods it’s worth me pointing out that the NHS guidelines recommend you go to the GP if yours disappears for longer than three months. Yikes!
I can’t pretend that being made redundant was a wonderful experience because that just wouldn’t be true. I knew that the decision to let me go was not personal, but that didn’t mean I was immune to the self-doubt and anxieties that accompany a situation like that. Despite this, I had an unignorable sense of the universe having dealt me a solid; a reprieve that my body, brain, even my soul had been crying out for and I had been wilfully ignoring.
It’s not the first time I’ve experienced burnout, not by a long stretch. In fact, on returning to work post-covid after a long period of furlough, I had promised myself that I’d never allow myself to burn out again after a particularly bad period at the beginning of 2020. It was the imposed break of furlough that first caused me to come to terms with the relentless pressure that I am prone to putting myself under.
When you’re in a place of severe burnout, it’s hard to realise how bad things are. Especially when you’ve been raised in a society that glorifies hustle, maximising your productivity and overachieving.
Furlough was really the first time I realised I can’t relax. I can’t function without *stuff to do*. Within the first few weeks of being stood down from work I had deep-cleaned the kitchen, redecorated the spare room, baked enough cakes to feed an army, decanted all of our dry food products into clear containers - à la The Home Edit - run my first 10km and sorted through all of our belongings several times.
I thought perhaps I have a low threshold for boredom or a fear of being alone with my thoughts (this is definitely a contributor, especially as I was coming to terms with a bereavement at the time) but in reality the main factor at play was, and continues to be, an obsession with productivity. The idea of getting to the end of the day without being able to tick things off of both a literal and metaphorical to-do list terrified me, and it still does.
For the first few weeks after my redundancy I felt a totally joyous feeling of freedom, not least because during that time I went to Glastonbury for the first time in 5 years. To think that I had no responsibilities, not just for the weekend but also none to return home to, was, well… whatever the opposite of a burden is? I don’t even have the words.
However, after my return to the real world I found myself staring into a vast abyss. Perhaps (read: definitely) still suffering the lingering effects of the post-festival comedown, I found it hard to find purpose or meaning in my life without a job. Should I start looking for another job? What sort of job should I look for? Should I go back to what I was doing before or do something else? What do I want to do? What should I do? What am I on this earth for if not to ‘do’ and what should I be doing? Since then I have been fighting the productivity demons on a near daily basis.
I can’t look back on my experiences of burnout without seeing how easily I fall into a cycle of willful ignorance for my own wellbeing while working the way I always thought I was supposed to. In moments of clarity I am determined to break this pattern and try to seek something that suits me better, but in moments of doubt I find myself back on LinkedIn scrolling through jobs I know will just cause me to go right back there.
I know I am not alone in this either. January in particular is a time of the year where we try to set ourselves new boundaries between work and everything else, but it can be so easy to get swept back into the relentless pace and demands of the word of work (*cough* capitalism), once again abandoning our own needs for something else.
So what happened next? Spoiler alert, I set myself up as a freelance marketing consultant. At first this felt like a short term solution while I ‘Figure Out What I Want To Do’™, but after six months it really feels like this decision suits my working style while (at the moment) being able to commit to having balance in my life.
I know I am in a position of privilege at the moment; not everyone can choose their own working hours or say no to potential clients if they have too much work on and every day I am grateful to be able to do that.
Hopefully, though, there are still some meaningful ways you can try to improve your relationship with work. If you are currently employed, it’s likely that you’re due your annual sit-down with your boss to think about your targets and goals for the year. Why not do the same thing for yourself? You could aim to take a proper lunch break at least twice a week. You could write yourself a plan for how to advocate for that payrise you are due. Sign up for a course that your workplace offers, but consider the personal benefits it could provide you with too. Perhaps you’ve been thinking about requesting more flexible working? Go for it!
Burnout is all too common in today’s society. Here are some of the main symptoms to look out for (according to Mental Health UK):
Feeling tired all the time
Feeling helpless, trapped and/or defeated
Feeling detached/alone in the world
Having a cynical/negative outlook
Self-doubt
Procrastinating and taking longer to get things done
Feeling overwhelmed
Some other symptoms I have personally experienced:
Difficulty sleeping (despite being exhausted!)
Difficulty switching off from work (just… one… more… email!)
Dizziness
Irritability
Isolating yourself from friends and family
Getting ill more frequently
If you’re worried you may be experiencing burnout you are not alone! My advice is to talk to someone about it as soon as possible. Whether that’s a friend, loved one, your workplace or someone completely unrelated to you like a helpline or counselling service (many workplaces offer access to these services as part of their benefits package), talking about it is the first step. Sadly burnout can easily lead to other mental health issues like anxiety or depression, so the sooner you can implement change to help yourself the better.
If you’re really concerned about yourself or someone else, consider speaking to a mental health charity like Samaritans or Shout, who provide free services over the phone.
I’d love to hear from you if any of these experiences sound familiar or if you have any good advice for coping, or preventing, burnout! Send me an email or find me on Instagram @ejs.marketing.
If you got all the way to the end, thanks for reading!
